


Listening With Your Heart

by Anxious_Apple



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Complete, Cutesy, Deaf Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy Ending, Heart-to-Heart, Hugs, Introspection, M/M, Partnership, Reunions, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22944739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxious_Apple/pseuds/Anxious_Apple
Summary: After Ben's breakdown in the Kitchen Callum has some reassuring words, he also has some thoughts of his own.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a bit of a dump written after the 28/02/20 episode, any mistakes are my own.  
> I will go through and edit, however rewrites are not really on the cards. Anyway, I had feelings

He was trying so hard, so very very hard to keep his composure. He always tried, it was the thing to do, the _manly_ option.  
What kind of son would he be to Phil Fucking Mitchell if he behaved like a defenceless child? He was the tough guy, the one that protected others, his family. Hell he was the one that looked after himself. He had to, nobody else would. His dad was better at putting him in danger than he was at getting him out of it, barging into every dispute guns blazing, shouting at the top of his voice. He was always ready to throw a punch. So Ben was always ready to throw one too, and even quicker to dodge.  
  
Then there were the instincts which he'd built up Inside, the survival reflexes so that he wouldn't get smashed in the face again and again. He fought desperately against his flinches, tensing himself up to stop his muscles from giving his nerves away. Then he ended up shouting, more frustrated at himself than anything. It was unintentionally good at giving him an air of aggression and violence. He _seemed_ like a guy who could bash someones face in so eventually he felt like he could do it. The idiom of fake it till you make it personified in him.   
  
Turns out the outside was just as brutal, although he'd always known that _really._ He'd had a rough road through childhood, a rough adolescence and yet he was still here, still fighting, still breathing. He sometimes wondered why that was in these insane moments of self reflection. Thats why he didn't like being alone. With nobody to talk to his mind would start talking to itself, ruminating on shit that had happened yesterday, and then also years in his past. He just hoped somewhere in his life there'd be a pause, a bit of respite. He had it to a degree in Lola and Lex but they were just as vulnerable as he was. They were involved in _his mess._ They were human. And then there was Callum, he was something else _._ He didn't deserve to be here, and he'd told him that. _  
_ The square was inhospitable as frequently as it was homely and filled with laughter, and what was worse about the smiles was that there was always pain behind them. He used to think with Life moved on for everyone in Walford, but for Ben it seemed to move on through an endless list of scenarios which would hurt. First Stella, then Paul, and now his hearing.  
  
The world had been going quiet for some time since the boat. He waded through it at first, the discomfort. He was in a daze, the only thing on his mind his boyfriend, who was stowed away somewhere with that _shit_ Keanu Taylor. The deafness was an afterthought. He'd tried in vain to ignore it, after all it was nothing new. He'd had dodgy ears since he was a kid, but the concern was like cancer, it kept growing, and his ears kept ringing. He'd hear people talking to him through a thick soup of other noises, crackles and pops. He could have been at the bottom of a well, or under fricking water. What was worse they patronised him, talking to him like he'd lost his marbles not his hearing. Jay told him to _listen,_ like he was a petulant child (what the hell was that about?) then Stuart. Stuart was an idiot as per usual. Kind of unfortunate that he hung around Callum like a bad smell, even though he refused to help when things got tricky. It made him sick.   
  
Then... and this was more frightening, his ears _stopped_ ringing. It was like someone had flicked a switch. He stood in the kitchen, over the cutlery drawer, clearing up, being perfectly domestic. His mum would be proud, He should have been happy. His boyfriend was back, and had for only the second time in his life expressed his need, his hunger for Ben when he wasn't smashed.   
Something was wrong though. Ben slammed the drawer, but he didn't hear the shimmering of the cutlery. Didn't wince at the rattling as the drawer rocketed closed. Angry at his own senses he slammed it again, and again, this time it was worse. Where he would have heard the shuffling, he didn't hear anything.   
_No!_ He thought, raging against himself _No, no, no, this couldn't be happening! Not to him, not now._ His life was only just starting to piece itself back together. Even if it was cracked, and missing a few parts. _Denny, poor kid._ He tumbled over to the sink, careless limbs flying everywhere. His alighted upon a pair of pans. He wielded them for a moment, arms aching slightly. Then without hesitation he thrust them together, slamming them into each other. But he couldn't hear the smash, the metallic dissonance entirely lost to him. He did it again, and again and before he knew it he'd exploded in tears. The grief that he'd been holding back suddenly forthcoming. It exploded through the barriers that he'd thrown up, a river bursting it's banks. 

In an instant Callum was there, a pillar in the shape of a man. Ben fought against him, wrestling away from his grip, twisting and writhing . His adrenaline coursing through him making him want to do anything, be anything, but here and now in this fucking disaster. But then Callum grabbed him, and held him. Not fighting against his movements, but moving with him. He had hands like paws of some massive dog, clumsy in most situations, expert in only a few. But this was one of them. He took to holding Ben close, showing affection. It had been barely 5 minutes since he'd written "I ❤ U" on his back with a finger. Christ, Ben thought again, he really didn't deserve Callum Highway. The other man ran one of his hands through Ben's hair as he wrangled with him, trying to get him to stop, to consider. He was going to _hurt_ himself if he wasn't careful. When Ben stopped moving, surrendering to the touch, Callum stopped pulling or moving with him. Somehow this was enough, to be held. He felt somewhat safe, the safest he'd felt in ages. It didn't mean he stopped sobbing.   
"Ben, Ben, It'll be alright" Callum said strong, but soft. He wasn't judging him, getting him to shut up. He was listening, and caring. 

"No it's not" Ben shouted in between wracking breaths. "It's never gonna be alright again"  
"I know it is" Callum said resolutely. He was doing his thing, when he formed a kind of blanket, surrounding Ben in warmth, bodies so close, almost folded over him. His head was on his shoulder.  
The proximity, while comforting, was also helpful in letting him hear, at least a tiny bit better.  
  
"You really think that after all we've been through together, that I'm just gonna walk away when your fighting somthin' that ain't your fault? You think everyone else is gonna leave ya' alone? Ya think your family's gonna see you sufferin' and just do nothin'"  
"Maybe" Ben shrugged, and finally wiped his face with a hand. The other was still stuck between him and the countertop.  
"I know they ain't." Callum stated, and backed away, only to pull his boyfriend around to face him. "I ain't." He said, running his hand along Ben's arm. "They love you Ben, I love you. Now if you can't see that after everythin-"   
Ben's face creased, his eyes crinkled with bittersweet amusement. His heart swelling inside his chest.   
"there's only one other thing what I could do, to convince ya" Callum continued "You might not be up for... ya know... that-and I was being proper selfish thinking you would be. But-" He didn't even get to finish, Ben was the one to grab him this time, flinging his arms around him. He had to stand on his tip toes to reach Callum's lips. But they were sweet, and warm, and (at least for now) they were his.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Callum and Ben actually communicate with each other for the first time in their lives.

Ben pressed himself into the taller man for what felt like an eternity, giving into the embrace finally and wholly. He bunched a handful of his t-shirt, wishing for Callum to show him a little of the passion that he had before, when they had been reunited in the car lot. Everything around them seemed to stop. He was lost in a silent landscape, drowning in it, but it was okay.  
It was going to continue to be okay, at least for a few hours… Callum was there, and Phil wasn’t, and neither was Keanu. There was only them and the sensation of Ben’s pounding heart. He felt a sudden stirring of heated arousal wash over him. He felt his lower half stirring with anticipation. His face burning hot, his lips electric. He knew he dealt with his problems in a less than functional way, and this was just another example. But he was also a firm believer in the idea of a means to an end.  
  
“Hey…” Callum said, reluctantly pulling away from him. Ben hooked his arms around Callum’s and dragged him back, almost crushing him.  
“Ben,” Callum was more forceful this time, laying a hand on the other man's chest. He still pushed gently “Ben. We ain’t doin’ it. I can wait.”  
Ben looked like a baby who'd had his lollipop nicked, his lower lip curled over. It might have been a comical expression in a different circumstance “You just said-”  
  
When Callum saw his face scrunch up, he tried to bring the tone of the conversation back up, lifting it with a smile, along with Ben’s chin. His eyes sparkled in that unnaturally gentle way; Ben had never seen anyone look quite so delicate, and so… not in the mood to shag. "It's not that I don't want to but" he qualified. “You’re upset, why don’t we just talk eh?” He said, stroking Ben’s chin with his thumb. The smile she had was sad now Ben noticed  
“It feels like we’ve not done that in ages. Life’s done a pretty good job of gettin’ in the way, what with everything-”  
“Life’s a bitch” Ben grumbled, with furrowed brow. It was obvious he was thinking of his dad, then of Sharon and Keanu, of Denny, of Paul. He thought of all the shit he went through in prison, but then he of what he did to survive. He fought back.  
(That was one good thing he'd inherited from his father. The Mitchell need to survive whatever the cost was inborn)  
“And so are you” Callum jested in return, making sure to prod him in the stomach to signpost his joke. For a moment Ben’s face twisted, a flash of pain across his features.  
“Yeah I am.” He said with a smirk, some of the pain gone “But I’m your bitch.” he sniffed sharply and grabbed Callum by the hand. The other man eyed him with a cautionary expression. He reassured him with a peck, on the cheek, then on the nose."  
"Don't worry, I ain't gonna do nothin'. Just wanna talk don’ I. We do that now apparently"

True to his word, Ben didn't force himself on Callum again. Instead he took time to just _be. They both did. Just holding one another close, closer than they’d been in weeks.  
  
_He didn’t lie to himself, he'd have liked to be more than intimate, forge a stronger physical connection, please his carnal instincts which were still vying for his attention despite his upset... Or maybe because of it. They proved themselves particularly undeniable in intense moments, hence their reunion, and the decision to fuck on the desk. Well... it wasn't really a decision, more of an instinct, more like something they just _needed_ to do.   
Callum was right though, it would have been hollow, one sided. It was bad enough kissing him without a mutual desire, let alone doing anything else. With a bloke, one he’d picked up of a night at the Albert, it would have been okay. It just felt like a betrayal to do that to Callum. He was too good, something which was almost a mantra for him now. He’d said it enough times for it to be as easy (and unconscious) as breathing. Sure he’d fucked up that time, playing hard to get and doing some pretty dumb stuff. There was a line of at least 6 guys from months ago he’d still not texted back. They were mostly lovely lads too, smiley, genuine, but meaningless to Ben.  
  
"Feels nice to do this again right? Without it havin’ to _lead to_ anythin" Callum said, his voice vibrating under Ben's head. His words were like a direct feed to his ears. Ben uttered a “hm”, his version of a yes before shifting up onto his hands. He wanted to see his boyfriend’s face, and he wanted to be genuine. Callum felt himself twinge, Ben was rarely genuine to anyone, he hid behind his usual cocky smile.The only one that saw the real sensitive Ben was Lexi, and him on the odd occasion. This usually happened during a crisis, some moment of chaos somehow the perfect moment for words to come out. Maybe it was because he suddenly realised that he could be close to losing it all?   
  
“Sorry” He said glumly, instantly averting his eyes.  
“Ben" Callum replied with the same tone as he'd used to shut him up earlier, "Watcha sorry for?”  
“Everythin. Everythin’ we’ve ever been goin' through is because of me, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut, couldn't stop sticking my foot in it"  
Callum bawked “Don’t think you losin’ your hearin’ is anyone's fault"  
"I hit my head when I threw me and Keanu off a boat!"   
"But you said it was, you were born with it"  
"But I made it worse. Just like I did with Paul, just like I do with everythin' just like I done with you"  
"You ain't made anything worse."  
"You got chained up in a warehouse, and beaten up 'cause of me. You nearly died"  
"Nah-nah Ben. That wasn't you"  
Ben whinged, put his hands over his ears. Callum could see the tears coming back into his eyes "Stop tryin' to be so good all the time" he near shouted in frustration "Stop provin' to me that I don't deserve ya"  
"But it was Keanu that did all that, and it was my own stupid fault for tryin' to wander off. Anyway you and jay _found_ me. You done amazin' things for me before that an' all . Remember when my Dad was 'ere, when he was bein' his usual self? Spewin' all that crap about you bein' gay? You stuck up for me, you shut him up."  
  
_If I hadn't met you I wouldn't have lived_


End file.
